I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
