I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
