we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
