I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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