My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
