i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
