he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
