i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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