I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
