Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
