Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Randomize
