When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
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