you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
