There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
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