tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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