I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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