I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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