Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
