Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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