guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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