hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
