Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Green mimosas i think yes
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
