Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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