Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
i think my cat just said my name.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
