my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
