Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
