She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
