hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
