Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Randomize
