I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
