How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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