So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
