I wish my penis had an off switch
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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