I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
My bed smells like the plague
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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