im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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