i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
