whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
