My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
