I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
