i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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