I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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