oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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