Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
