thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
