I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
