I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
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