I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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