I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize