You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
then he tried to convert me to islam
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
