I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
