i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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