I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Randomize
