I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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