She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
