I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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