there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize