My room smells like vodka and shame
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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