i just sent this text using only my big toe
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
